Finding A Cure
READER ADVISORY: The following content contains raw, unedited feelings and thoughts. Reader discretion is advised.
Ever since I was about eight years of age I can recall being EXTREMELY afraid of losing the things that were most important to me or fearing that something bad was going to happen to the people and things that were most important. And ever since that young age I have been battling that fear. Fighting it like hell, refusing to let it win or become reality.
I would try and erase the fearful thoughts, I would scream “NO!” at them, I would even try to replace them with more positive thoughts. All my efforts were just temporary ways of seeking refuge from them. No matter what I tried, no matter what I did they persisted. As I grew older and continued working on me, they became manageable, but they were still there.
My fight against them was like trying to cure a disease without knowing what was causing the disease.
Fast forward to most recent weeks; I have been really tired and when I am really tired my fears rage with full force. So one night before hitting the bed, I threw out the following question, “Why are these fears present in my life and what's at the root of them.”
The next day, was a bit tough; I was not firing on all cylinders and I was bumping up against some challenges. However, on that one day I felt as if I had a heightened awareness of my own actions and behaviors. I was aware that I was doing things that were self-sabotaging (i.e. eating foods that would thwart my weight loss efforts), I was aware of the fears, and I was aware of how small I felt. It was almost as if I was trying to make those fears a reality so that I could prove them right, and be done with it. It was in that very moment that I stopped and said, “I am done! I am tired of fighting you. Do whatever you have to do because I have nothing left to fight you with.”
And it was in that moment that I stopped fighting and that I got the answer to the question I asked the night before, “Why are these fears present in my life and what's at the root of them?”
From the time I was eight and throughout my teenage years I got the message that I was not deserving of good things. I did not deserve to be loved, I did not deserve to have nice things, I did not deserve to succeed...I deserved nothing.
It all makes sense to me now; there is a little girl still hidden inside of this grown woman who just needs to know she is OK, that is deserving of good, but most importantly that she deserves to be here.
I am happy to report that after 33 years of fighting the fears, they have lessened dramatically. That's not to say that they don't still appear in their lessened state. They do and when they do I say, (as if I were trying to soothe an eight year old child after a nightmare), “It's OK. It's all OK. You do deserve to be here and you do deserve good things.” It's a work in progress, one day at a time, no more fighting like hell and that is a good thing. As my own coach so wonderfully reminded me, our own internal self-saboteur only lives when we fight it. (Thank you, Amy!)
If this post brings up similar thoughts and feelings for you, please reach out. I am here and wanting to support you in finding a cure.
Ever since I was about eight years of age I can recall being EXTREMELY afraid of losing the things that were most important to me or fearing that something bad was going to happen to the people and things that were most important. And ever since that young age I have been battling that fear. Fighting it like hell, refusing to let it win or become reality.
I would try and erase the fearful thoughts, I would scream “NO!” at them, I would even try to replace them with more positive thoughts. All my efforts were just temporary ways of seeking refuge from them. No matter what I tried, no matter what I did they persisted. As I grew older and continued working on me, they became manageable, but they were still there.
My fight against them was like trying to cure a disease without knowing what was causing the disease.
Fast forward to most recent weeks; I have been really tired and when I am really tired my fears rage with full force. So one night before hitting the bed, I threw out the following question, “Why are these fears present in my life and what's at the root of them.”
The next day, was a bit tough; I was not firing on all cylinders and I was bumping up against some challenges. However, on that one day I felt as if I had a heightened awareness of my own actions and behaviors. I was aware that I was doing things that were self-sabotaging (i.e. eating foods that would thwart my weight loss efforts), I was aware of the fears, and I was aware of how small I felt. It was almost as if I was trying to make those fears a reality so that I could prove them right, and be done with it. It was in that very moment that I stopped and said, “I am done! I am tired of fighting you. Do whatever you have to do because I have nothing left to fight you with.”
And it was in that moment that I stopped fighting and that I got the answer to the question I asked the night before, “Why are these fears present in my life and what's at the root of them?”
From the time I was eight and throughout my teenage years I got the message that I was not deserving of good things. I did not deserve to be loved, I did not deserve to have nice things, I did not deserve to succeed...I deserved nothing.
It all makes sense to me now; there is a little girl still hidden inside of this grown woman who just needs to know she is OK, that is deserving of good, but most importantly that she deserves to be here.
I am happy to report that after 33 years of fighting the fears, they have lessened dramatically. That's not to say that they don't still appear in their lessened state. They do and when they do I say, (as if I were trying to soothe an eight year old child after a nightmare), “It's OK. It's all OK. You do deserve to be here and you do deserve good things.” It's a work in progress, one day at a time, no more fighting like hell and that is a good thing. As my own coach so wonderfully reminded me, our own internal self-saboteur only lives when we fight it. (Thank you, Amy!)
If this post brings up similar thoughts and feelings for you, please reach out. I am here and wanting to support you in finding a cure.
Comments
Efrain said...
Hi Pam! I'm glad to see you back at it again! I missed your posts. Its funny how we all have something to fear deep inside us and how, by "trying" to keep it disguised or by ignoring it we just give it more strenght over us, when all we have to do is let it out, face it and realize that what we feared was not really as bad as we empowered it to be.
05/05/2008
Pam said...
Hi Efrain!
Thank you -- it is great to be back. :) And thank you for sharing your insights; they are much appreciated.
Take care!!
Pam
05/05/2008
Lisa Wilder said...
I had to smile at the timing of your post, Pam.
I, too, have struggled with a fear of losing those I hold most dear, and while I've learned over time to stay out of fear most of the time, it does still rear its ugly head every once in awhile, as it did last night. I just finished writing a blog post about it, too.
I think fear is a part of being human. The closest thing I've found to a cure is to live in the moment. Most of our fear feeds on frightening events of the past and our stories of possible futures.
I think, rather than a cure, it's a process of recognizing the fear as it arises, and bringing ourselves back into the moment, into what "is" rather than what "might be" and letting go.
It's trusting that we can let go, that we don't have to be consumed by the fear, that can be challenging, but it can be done, and it does get easier with practice.
Thank you, Pam, for so boldly sharing your experience and your feelings, and for reaching out to others. We all need a friendly hand to hold onto sometimes when the fear, even if only momentarily, gets the best of us.
05/05/2008
Pam said...
Lisa, many thanks not only for sharing your wonderful insight, but also your support.
You are so right, experiencing fear is a part of being human. And indeed, it is helpful to stay in the present moment...absolutely!!!
Here is to being in the now and enjoying life.
05/05/2008