Monday, May 26, 2008

I Am Here Right Now

This past week was my son’s 8th grade graduation and I could not be more proud of him. As I watched him walk up to the stage to receive his diploma, the past almost 14 years flashed before my eyes. I had to stop and ask myself where all the time went. No longer was he a curious infant who found leaves facinating. Standing before me was a grounded and confident young man who was about to embark on another exciting journey in his life. It was at that moment that I realized just how important it is to embrace each day; to be grateful for the opportunities, experiences, and precious moments.

In a blink of an eye days, months, and even years pass, and I for one don’t want to miss out on a thing. With that said, it is my commitment right here and now to…

...never let a day go by without sharing my appreciation and gratitude for the things I have and to the people I love.
...practice being in the present moment instead of the past or the future.
...look for the good that each day holds and reflect on that good at the end of every day.
and
...be me, authentic, genuine, and true.

So here is to living each day one precious moment by one precious moment. What will you commit to doing?


Posted by Pam at 7:10:16 PM in Not Just Talk (85) | Comments (6) | Permalink

Friday, May 09, 2008

Forever In My Heart

I just received some very sad news; a very dear friend and wonderful person passed on this morning. Her name was Elsa Burgess-Flores and in my eyes she was amazing. Elsa and I met in the early 90s when I was just starting out in AIDS education. She was a true maverick in the field, not because she lost two sons to AIDS , but because she became a major advocate of AIDS education, as well as the rights of all gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and transsexuals despite and in spite of the community she lived in. Never ever did she allow the personal threats, rumors, gossip, and even vandalism stop her from educating others or sharing her  compassion openly. She was committed to fighting HIV/AIDS and she was committed to fighting discrimination. And now her committed fight to cancer has come to an end.

Her passing leaves quite a hole in the heart of many so as a tribute to her and to her life, I wish to share the following...

Dear Mamacita,

It is with such mixed emotions that I write this; a heaviness of heart, sadness, and yet relief in knowing that you are in a better place, with your sons, with Charley, and out of pain. Words cannot begin to describe how grateful I am to you and for you. You have always been and will continue to be a bright light that not only touched my life, but touched so many others'. I am so proud of you and so proud of all that you accomplished. You were and will forever be an inspiration to us all. Please know that you have indeed made this world a much better place.

Thank you for you, for being a part of my life. For loving me as if I was your own. Thank you for sharing your spirit, your love, your tenaciousness, and even your stubbornness with me.( As I always said, you were one tough, ballsy woman and I loved you for it!) I will cherish our visits and our talks ALWAYS. I am just so very sorry that I was not able to visit you one last time, but please know that you have and will always have a special place in my heart.

I will miss you greatly, Mamacita.

I love you very much...

Tú Hijita

Posted by Pam at 7:01:33 PM in Not Just Talk (85) | Comments (2) | Permalink

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Finding A Cure

READER ADVISORY: The following content contains raw, unedited feelings and thoughts. Reader discretion is advised.

Ever since I was about eight years of age I can recall being EXTREMELY afraid of losing the things that were most important to me or fearing that something bad was going to happen to the people and things that were most important. And ever since that young age I have been battling that fear. Fighting it like hell, refusing to let it win or become reality.

I would try and erase the fearful thoughts, I would scream “NO!” at them, I would even try to replace them with more positive thoughts. All my efforts were just temporary ways of seeking refuge from them. No matter what I tried, no matter what I did they persisted. As I grew older and continued working on me, they became manageable, but they were still there.

My fight against them was like trying to cure a disease without knowing what was causing the disease.

Fast forward to most recent weeks; I have been really tired and when I am really tired my fears rage with full force. So one night before hitting the bed, I threw out the following question, “Why are these fears present in my life and what's at the root of them.”

The next day, was a bit tough; I was not firing on all cylinders and I was bumping up against some challenges. However, on that one day I felt as if I had a heightened awareness of my own actions and behaviors. I was aware that I was doing things that were self-sabotaging (i.e. eating foods that would thwart my weight loss efforts), I was aware of the fears, and I was aware of how small I felt. It was almost as if I was trying to make those fears a reality so that I could prove them right, and be done with it. It was in that very moment that I stopped and said, “I am done! I am tired of fighting you. Do whatever you have to do because I have nothing left to fight you with.”

And it was in that moment that I stopped fighting and that I got the answer to the question I asked the night before, “Why are these fears present in my life and what's at the root of them?”

From the time I was eight and throughout my teenage years I got the message that I was not deserving of good things. I did not deserve to be loved, I did not deserve to have nice things, I did not deserve to succeed...I deserved nothing.

It all makes sense to me now; there is a little girl still hidden inside of this grown woman who just needs to know she is OK, that is deserving of good, but most importantly that she deserves to be here.

I am happy to report that after 33 years of fighting the fears, they have lessened dramatically. That's not to say that they don't still appear in their lessened state. They do and when they do I say, (as if I were trying to soothe an eight year old child after a nightmare), “It's OK. It's all OK. You do deserve to be here and you do deserve good things.” It's a work in progress, one day at a time, no more fighting like hell and that is a good thing. As my own coach so wonderfully reminded me, our own internal self-saboteur only lives when we fight it. (Thank you, Amy!)

If this post brings up similar thoughts and feelings for you, please reach out. I am here and wanting to support you in finding a cure.

Posted by Pam at 7:10:38 PM in Not Just Talk (85) | Comments (4) | Permalink